Personal Sun
by janya.wrote.nightrose
Summary: They all prevail on her, all the people she loves, to make the right choice. Will she? A chaptered fic to explore the options Bella had at the end of Eclipse a little more fully. If she looks both ways... who does she choose? R&R, please.
1. Chapter 1

**REVIEW!**

"He's like a drug for you, Bella," he begins gently, and it infuriates me. True, I swore to myself I wouldn't do this. But how can he… how dare he? It's love. Real, true, eternal love. I want him to _know _that. How dare he think I would break his heart for a simple addiction? Because it's more than that.

"No, he isn't. When will you accept that I love him? I really love him."

I am relieved that no pain enters his voice. "No, you don't. Bells, honey, you don't, you really don't. I've seen love."

"Don't go and compare me, and the person I love, to your stupid freaky wolf thing!" I scream, not caring how much I'm hurting him by now. But I see the look in his eyes and it's impossible not to care, impossible. I am falling into his black eyes, the look in them like the pull of gravity.

I'm one with him in that moment. "I won't, Bells. I'm not going to compare the person you _love _to imprinting. Because imprinting _isn't _love. It's a compulsion. A need. An addiction. What do you call what happened last year?"

I freeze.

"There! Look at the way you're wincing. Just thinking about it. It made you crazy. Withdrawal, Bells, ever heard of it?"

I try to ignore the fact that he possibly has a point. "This isn't how… I meant to hurt you as little as possible today. After…"

"Yeah. Well, that requires me giving in with good grace. Not until your heart stops beating. Don't you see? Why I kissed you that first time, why I threatened to kill myself- and I would have, you know- all of it? It's not because I want you. Not because I love you. Nothing to do with me. It's for you, Bells. 'Cause I can't bear it if you die. And that's what you're doing. You're _suicidal. _You want to die so you can go to heaven! And I'm just trying to show you what's worth living for. Charlie… and Renee… and me. Me. I love you. I love you. I spent… so… I fixed you, when he broke you. Who do you want to choose? And… I shouldn't play this card, but," I catch a flash of my Jacob in his grin, "I already threatened to kill myself to make you kiss me, so I can't exactly get much lower. Bells, you know what it's like, to loose the one person you're meant for. I've seen what it did to you. Do you want to do that to me?"

My heart shatters in two. The larger part turns into ice. Edward's half is cold, numb, empty. Just as I want the change to make it, forever. I stop that thought.

Is this why Edward lied to me when he left? Why he said he didn't love me? I can see it now. The way Jake's clinging to me. Can't he tell there's no hope?

"Jake…"

"I'm sorry. I knew there wasn't much of a chance. My intervention was never gonna work."

Again with the drug metaphor. I shake my head. "Oh, Jake."

"Love. Real love. Right here. For you to touch. Take, have. I love you. Honey, I love you."

In his eyes, I see the truth of it. It burns. A fire like the touch of his skin, smoldering, his heart aflame. "I love you too," is all I can whisper.

"It isn't enough, is it? Leah never stood a chance against Emily. I can't compete with this. You've imprinted. You're addicted."

I sigh. The reference to Sam and Leah makes my broken heart ache. The burning side grows to match the look in his eyes, but the ice won't melt. "I can't. I can't leve Edward," I say finally.

"Why not?"

"Because I love him!" I almost scream.

"Why?"

"I… I…" Finally, I turn the question around. "Why do you love me?"

He grins. "Your cooking." I start to aim a slap at him, and he continues. "Your smile. When I get to see it. Your selflessness. Your sense of humor. Your love. Your total lack of skill with a motorcycle. All of it. You."

"Jake…" I try, through the tears that build in my eyes.

He shakes his head. "Go on, Bella. Go home to him. But think about what I said."

"I will," I promise. Sadly, I find it's the truth.

"I love you," he whispers.

I can't find the strength to answer.

**please review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**REVIEW!**

"Bells, are you all right?"

Charlie's talking quietly, cautiously. I remember this particular tone of voice. It's pretty distinctive. It's the same careful voice he used around me back in the very darkest days of my life, without Edward, the days before he confronted me, before the numbness disappeared.

"I'm fine," I whisper, hearing the familiar monotone I reply in. It shocks me. It shouldn't be this empty, not when I have Edward! Not when I have everything I want. But Jacob's pain has always been my pain.

Have I really done this to him? Is it as bad as it was for me? Really?

How can I live with myself, after this?

But Jacob has another soul mate out there. He belongs somewhere, to someone else, and he'll be happy someday in another girl's eyes. Imprinting, that weird, unfamiliar concept, has come to mean hope to me. Hope that I'm not such a monster after all, that Jake will find the one he's meant for. Something to trump a soul mate.

"What happened?"

"I had to tell Jake some hard things. That's all."

He takes a long hard look at my face. "I hope you didn't mess up his recovery."

"Jake's a quick healer," I mutter, looking down. At least, I hope so, truly. And I have to believe it or I'll just go insane. I can't stand knowing I've become the heartbreaker in such a permanent way. I barely survived that, and I can't stand to do it to another, especially not the person who saved me from that in the first place.

He looks at me and sighs. "Kid, look. I know you don't like to hear about this, but it just isn't… fair. I'm your dad, and I have responsibilities. Listen, Bells. I have to talk to you about this… it's not fair, to let you go like this, let you be with him so… he destroyed you, Bells, and I don't want that to happen to you again. I can't let that happen to you. I love you, and I can't let you make him the only thing you care about."

"I care about you!" I start to protest.

"But you'd give it up for him, wouldn't you?" he asks. "You'd do anything he asked, even if it meant loosing everyone else you love."

I start to protest quickly, and I cut myself off. Because he's right. Not only would I, I actually plan to. I'm going to leave him, leave everyone behind, without even a second thought, really. And it's so unfair. To him, after he took me into his home and loved me, I'm going to act like that never happened, leave him behind and never speak to him again, maybe forget he was ever part of my life.

No, it's not right. It's not the right choice.

But I can't… I can't stand to be without Edward.

I need him.

_Like a drug, _my mind whispers.

_Shut up, Jake, _I whisper back.

"I'm sorry, Bells. Look… just warn me, okay? Before you run off with him. And promise me… you'll visit? Or call or email or something, anything."

I nod. "Yeah. I promise."

And I really mean it.

**REVIEW!**


	3. Chapter 3

**review?**

"Bella, can I talk to you?" Rosalie says softly. Her voice rings like a bell and I'm struck yet again with how incredibly, bizarrely beautiful she is. It's remarkable. Worth dying for, the transformation a price I'd pay for that alone, that face. I'd deserve Edward, if I looked like _that. _

"Yeah. Of course."

She sits beside me on the steps behind the Cullen house. I steal glances at her entrancing face, while she looks out over the grass, the rolling hills flower-covered in the distance, spots of purple and white and yellow and green.

"I know I talked to you about this once already."

"I don't mind. If you want to go over it again. I'd like to get to know you better." Before we're sisters for all eternity.

"Well… the thing is, you don't know what you're giving up. Before, I can see why you didn't take my advice. You only saw the way you feel about my brother. It was eclipsing everything else. Just blackening the whole sky, till you could see nothing but him. It was beautiful while it lasted _but it's gone, _Bella. The sun's coming out. You can see again. See reason. I want you to."

"What do you mean?" I am slightly confused. English nerd or not, I've never been the hugest fan of elaborate metaphors, and Rosalie is mixing them like crazy right now. It's giving me a headache.

"You can have everything. Both sides of the story. You can have your parents and a future. Go to college and get a job. Pretty babies and a nice house. And you can have the other side of the coin too, that incredible fairytale romance you think is worth throwing everything away for. Don't you see that? Now that you've realized that you love him… there's another option."

I shake my head. "I can't break Edward's heart."

"Why not? He broke yours." That tactic obviously doesn't work, so she shakes her head. "Bella, I'm his sister, and I want what's best for him. He will _never _forgive himself if you choose him. He doesn't want to spend eternity with you. He loves you, don't doubt that, but he can't bear the thought of changing you."

"_He has a soul," _I hiss.

"I'm not going to argue theology, Bella. I just want you to know how he feels. Edward's almost as stubborn as I am. He won't change, not even for you. He won't forgive himself, if you change."

I sigh heavily. She just continues.

"And you could really have it all. Your werewolf friend… he reminds me of Emmett, you know. Big and bright and funny. Em fixed me when I was broken, when the trauma of the change and of… of what happened right before it had totally destroyed me. Jacob fixed you, when Edward left you bleeding. There's definitely a parallel. And I got more of a happily-ever-after than I ever hoped for… but you can get even more. Everyone wants it for you. You just have to take it."

She turned to look at me for a few hopeful seconds. Then she stood.

"You're probably getting hungry. Edward wanted to take you out to lunch."

**REVIEW**!


	4. Chapter 4

**review?**

He sits across from me, stiffly, watching with a strange fascination as I eat stiffly. He apparently spent all night reading restaurant reviews so he could find the right place for us. Sometimes, he's too perfect.

The food's good, but it's a little awkward to be on a date and be the only one eating. I feel like a pig.

Unbidden, the thought drifts in: _You eat like a mouse compared to Jake._

I drift it right back out. I am _not _going to leave Edward. Ever. At all. End of story.

"Bella," Edward starts, and then shifts in his seat. I look up at him, and notice his face is tense and drawn. I groan.

"Not you, too. When will everybody just suck it up? I love _you, _Edward. That's all that matters." My voice is harsh. I'm practically yelling at him, because I'm _sick of this. _No one can accept my decision, and I won't change my mind. I can't.

"No. We have to talk about this, love."

"_Talk?" _Terror jolts through me. My whole body freezes up, and I grab the fork tighter, tight enough that it leaves marks in my hand, tight enough that it hurts, that I can feel the imprint of it in my skin.

He can't leave me. He isn't allowed to. "No…" I choke out. "No! You promised! Edward… please…"

The fear is almost irrational, how strong it is. I can't live with out him. I can't go through that pain again. I can't let him destroy me again. The hole is back, pulsing just beneath my lungs, making it hard, impossible to breathe. I pant for air and my hands… blue with cold… like the sun has gone behind the earth forever.

"Bella, I'm not going to leave you. Unless you allow me to."

"You _want _to leave me?"

"I want to get out of your life. I want to stop hurting you. I want you to find someone normal and human and have beautiful children and grow old together."

I shake my head, staring at him. His eyes are like mirrors. They betray nothing, reflecting only my own horror back at me. "Edward, Jake's a werewolf. He can't get old. And he's dangerous! You've said it yourself! I'm no safer with him than I am with you."

"That's not true. If you were with him, you could have a real life. Bella…"

I shake my head still more vigorously, and then close my eyes. "I don't want a real life. I want you."

"Please…"

"I have a question."

His eyes glitter a little, a tiny bit of amusement, of _life. _"I have an answer."

"Do you want to live without me? Selfishly? How much would it hurt you?"

He sighs heavily. "Would you like me to answer that question honestly?"

"Yes." I have him cornered now. I smile a little to myself.

"It would hurt me less than this, than knowing what I am doing to you. I would rather be without you forever than take your soul, if it meant you could be happy without me."  
"Not _happier._"

"But content."

I stare at him. "Edward, don't."

"I would go away. I would never bother you again. I would promise to live without you forever, even when you yourself had perished, Bella. I would watch from a distance. And if he were ever to imprint, I would be yours again."

"No."

"Consider it, love."  
"This conversation is over," I snap.

He inclines his head a little, and then sighs. "As you wish."

**review plz.**


	5. Chapter 5

**sorry for the wait, everyone. i have good reasons, but i'm not going to go into them here. i really apologize. **

"Hey, Leah." I'm more than a little surprised to see her.

She inclines her head a quarter of an inch, and says in a stiff, clipped voice, "Isabella Swan."

Like we're meeting for the first time. No. Like she's acknowledging an enemy right before a battle. "Do you want to come in? Can I get you anything?"

She glares at me blankly. I notice her hair's been cut short, nearly shaved. It makes me a little sad. Something about the cut strikes a cord with the moment I found Jake, head shaved, eyes angry, Sam's calm smile on his face, way back in the worst days of my life.

I'm shocked to find the memory hurts, not because those were the days without Edward, but because Jacob rejected me.

I sigh. Leah's not going to accept courtesy, obviously. Well, I knew she didn't like me. "Um… do you… did Sam want you here?" I start, not sure. After all, Leah obviously despises me. What is she doing at my house?

"I don't run Sam's errands." Her voice is flat, but at least she's talking.

"Then did _you _want to say something to me?"

"Yes. I did." She takes a deep breath, as though bracing herself. "I came to talk to you about Jacob."

I wince. Her and the rest of the world. I kind of thought attacking my personal life was going to be restricted to people the decision actually affected, but apparently not. "Not to be rude, but how is that your business?"

She takes a step towards me. She's taller than Angela, menacingly tall, and her eyes flash fire. "Oh, I don't know why it would concern me at all. Maybe because _you have a choice._"

"Huh?"

"You have a choice, the choice he never had."

"Who are you talking about?" I begin.

She rolls her eyes. Somehow, it doesn't diminish the intensity of her glare. "Sam, you idiot. I'm talking about Sam."

My mouth falls open. Of course.

"He _literally _didn't have a choice. It's _impossible _to resist imprinting," she says, and though she's furious I can see how much sheer pain is behind the words. "You have a choice, the choice he didn't have. You can walk away. You can _not _break the good heart of the person who loves you unconditionally, forever, no exceptions. You can live the life you _should have had._"

I am silent. The parallel is all too clear now. As much as I protest that I have no choice, that it really is…

"You said it yourself, Bella. 'It's just like Sam and Emily.' And who remembers me? I'm a footnote. An _unfortunate consequence. _Sad, but, hey, she's a bitch. She deserves it."

Leah's arms are shaking, but I'm not afraid. Though she could very well phase, I know, somehow I know, that she won't hurt me. After all, right now all she sees is that I'm Sam, in some strange way. I'm not usually this intuitive, but I see it clearly enough.

"Jake could imprint," I say softly. She laughs. Cold and hard.

"Yeah. So could I. And your perfect vampire would be waiting. You know that."

I shake my head, suddenly, violently. "I can't do it."

The anger is gone from her voice. All I hear is an empty resignment. "Of course you won't." And then she leans in closer, so I can feel her breath on my face with every word. "Who'd want me when they could have Emily?"

Before I can protest, she's gone.

**review. it's a nice long chapter!**


	6. Chapter 6

**review!**

"Hey, Mom!" It's been such a long time since I've talked to her. I miss her a lot. She really is my best friend, the one person who understands me. I know she'll get this whole thing. She'll understand that I have to do what's right for me.

After all, it's what _she's _always done.

"Hey, honey."

I freeze. The phone clatters to the floor.

_Bells, honey. _It's Jacob's word, it _belongs _to him, and there's something so wrong about _anyone _else using it. I may be Edward's 'love', but I'm Jacob's 'honey'.

I smile. And then I bend to pick up the phone.

"Sorry, Renee. I'm making dinner and I dropped the phone. You know me."

"Clumsy as anything." She laughs. "So, how's everything? How's Edward?"

"Wonderful, as always." The same ridiculous grin I'm almost used to by now leaps onto my face. He's so much more than I ever deserved. Above all else, I'm sure of that. No matter how much everyone rails at me, I'll never even consider being without Edward. I love him. My world is secondary to that fact.

"Good. But, Bella, I wanted to talk to you about something."

Uh-oh. Not the sex talk thing again. "Charlie already-"

"I know. I just wanted to… mention this to you. I know you've heard this lecture a hundred thousand times, but listen to it one more."

Not the sex, then. Well, that's something of a relief.

"When I married your father, I really loved him. I did. As much as I love Phil now. And those kinds of feelings don't go away, Bella… but sometimes they get less intense. Sometimes when you spend that much time with someone, when you realize you've committed your whole life to them, you also realize you wish you hadn't. I didn't exactly fall out of love. It just got to the point that a life I hated wasn't worth the guy I loved. And I think maybe you should ask yourself that question, Bella. You and Edward are probably going to get married pretty soon, right?"

"Umm… I didn't…I…" Okay, I was expecting to slowly break the news to her after about a week of stalling. Not have her guess it in a normal tone of voice during a cheery conversation.

"Knew it!" she crows, then briefly becomes serious. "Look, I know I've said a lot of things about teenagers getting married. They weren't really directed at you, they were directed at me. You're plenty mature enough to shore things up."

I smile. So _someone _understands.

"And plenty in love. But the thing you don't know, Bella, is how little things add up. You've never chosen to love someone before, take care of someone, live with someone. The only people you've ever spent _that _much time with, the only people you've ever had a really meaningful relationship with, are me and Charlie. Maybe, just maybe, when you settle down with Edward, the little things you don't like about him get bigger and bigger. Maybe you're not always going to be this happy. Just saying."

"Mom…"

"Just saying. I'm not trying to second-guess you, honey."

"All right."

The conversation shifts, lightens. I start to talk about Alice and her exuberance for wedding plans, about how Edward and I are going away to college, all that stuff. She laughs and sympathizes at the right parts, but I can hear her silent judgment. Renee's never judged me before, not for anything.

It feels wrong.

Little things… there aren't any little things I don't like about Edward. He's perfect!

Or… is he?

No. I'm not asking myself this question.

"Hey, there's someone at the door. I got to go, Renee. Love you."

"Love you more, hon."

I try not to grimace.

**review**!


	7. Chapter 7

**review.**

I rush to the door. The tall, shirtless man is staring at me, dark eyes unfriendly. It reminds me of all those dreams from the worst part in my life. After Jake and I started hanging out, when he would be there…

I squelch that thought. "Hey, Sam."

In a voice remarkably similar to the last visitor at this door, he says, "Bella."

"Come on in."

He follows me into the house, arms still crossed.

"You here to talk about the treaty? Because we'll move if we have to, Sam, but…"

"This has nothing to do with that betrayal. I will discuss that with one of them at a later date. I came to speak to you."

"About Edward." I roll my eyes. "You too? Honestly."

"What are you referencing, Bella?"

I extend both hands and all my fingers. "Let's see. So far, there's Jake, Charlie, Rosalie, Leah, Edward, and my mom."

"Leah?"

"Yeah."

There's a look in his eyes when he says her name that I can't quite define. Somewhere between a distant kind of love and anguish. It strikes a chord deep within. It's come to follow me everywhere, since _everyone_ has been bringing up the one subject that makes _me _look like that.

Maybe the name for it is regret, the same regret that I can't split in two, can't be both of what I need to be.

"What did she say to you? I heard her thinking about it, but told her not to come."

"How could she, then? Isn't it supposed to be impossible?"

"I don't do that whole abuse-of-authority thing. I'd like to not control and force people whose hearts I've broken, thanks."

"Sorry." It seems like the only appropriate response to that level of fury. Thing is, he doesn't even seem mad at me. More like himself.

In a year, in two years, will I be doing this to myself? Will I be this unhappy, this regretful, this _guilty? _

It's making him miserable.

And… as much as I try to deny it… I have a choice. He doesn't, didn't, and I do, I have to pick.

"She told me to pick Jake."

"I bet she wasn't that nice about it."

"No. She wasn't. But… she seemed… more… she didn't blame you."

"Really?" His brow furrows. "She hates me."

I shake my head and smile, sadly. "No, she doesn't. She loves you."

He whirls away, furiously. "_Why_?"

"I don't know…"

"She shouldn't."

"But she does. She doesn't blame you, she blames _herself. _She hates herself for not being enough."

"Do you want to turn Jacob into that?"

The question hangs in the air. "Huh?"

"Look, when Jake phased, it was hard. It's always hard, your first time, for all of us. But he had to leave you behind and it was killing him. It hurt him so much to see you drowning in the pain. It shattered him, and he _kept smiling. _Kept smiling. He always smiles. Just like Lee-Lee used to."

I don't think he even noticed the nickname slip out.

"I don't want my friend to turn into that because of you. And honestly, I care about you to an extent, too. I don't want you to have this to deal with. The guilt's killing me, Bella. It's the hardest thing I've ever felt and I would not want it for a single other person."

I can't listen to this. It's too hard. "Sam, can… can you go? I'm having a hard time… I need to think."

He stands silently, disappears. He goes quickly and silently.

I'm left in a deep quiet, and I find myself forced to think about it.

**review**!


	8. Chapter 8

**review.**

There's nothing for me to do but face it. I have a choice to make, and I never wanted to.

I thought I'd chosen. I _chose _Edward. But, truly, I didn't pick, did I? I just went with the easiest option. I have to really consider it this time, and I never planned to do that.

I should look at this objectively, maybe make a list.

That's actually a really good idea.

I stand up, find a piece of notebook paper and an old ballpoint pen. Then I sit back down.

I fold the piece of paper in half longways and then write on one side "Edward," on the other "Jacob."

Now I feel slightly stupid. This might be the kind of decision that _has _to be made from the heart. But… that's not really true. It affects my whole life. It is my whole life. I shouldn't just go with my gut, because my gut is unequivocally "Edward." Besides, I'm not really sure what my heart wants, I've never been good at self-examination.

Under Edward's name, I write, "Live forever."

"Never get old."

"True love."

"Don't have to worry about the Volturi."

"Alice."

"Carlisle and Esme."

"Emmett."

"Beauty."

I underline and circle and then draw a heart by "True love." That really doesn't help with the whole feeling-silly thing. It's the kind of thing a thirteen-year-old would do. Immature, stupid, childish.

When I'm with Jacob, I never have to worry about that.

I turn to his side and write that down. "Fun."

Then I remember the motorcycles, falling all over the place, and smile.

"No insecurity." He's actually the only person in the world who doesn't make me feel hideously unworthy.

"Friendship." He's the only friend I've ever really had.

"Charlie and Renee."

"Kids?" With a question mark, because I don't even really want them, but I figure Rosalie would be pretty pissed if I didn't even include it.

"The Pack," because I'd miss them, I really would. They're nice guys, and I like spending time with them- more on the fun, the childishness.

I turn back to Edward's side and write, "Romance." It's not Jake's strong point, doing mushy things.

Then I remember a little box of hearts and an innocent question. "Will you be my Valentine?"

I add it to Jake's list, too. Under it, I put the words "Jake, Bells, Honey."

Little things like that make me so happy. I try to find the equivalent for Edward.

I can't.

"Kindred spirits," under that.

Then, on Edward's side, "Imprinting."

Back to Jake's, "Laughter," because, as much as I love Edward, he has no sense of humor. Unless he's laughing at me.

"We fit together."

"He didn't leave me."

I feel a little guilty for that, since I've spent such a long time trying to convince Edward not to blame himself for it, but the truth is that he _can _live without me, he chose to for quite some time, while Jake lasted maybe an afternoon.

"Don't have to change."

It isn't that I wouldn't like to live forever. It's just that I might like to not have to. And it's pretty much irrevocable.

"Guilt," because, well, Edward _wants _me to leave him, and I don't think I could forgive myself for breaking Jacob's heart. I don't think I will…

I fold the list in half. Then in half again.

Then I close my eyes.

Then I unfold the paper and start to count.

**review**!


	9. Chapter 9

**review.**

"Edward, can I talk to you?" I'm biting my lip, my eyes closed.

"Yes. What is it, love?"

"I'm… I…" Suddenly I'm clutching my stomach, shaking with tears. Because this is the _right _thing to do. The _right _choice. It's better, healthier, more true to myself and my heart and everything I've always thought I am.

But it's so _hard._

He knows, though. He sees, it's probably not that hard to figure out from the list in my hand with the word "Jacob" circled and tears all over it.

Thing is, I didn't make the decision based on _anything _except my heart, in the end. Looking at that piece of paper, I realized something. It's completely selfish to choose Edward.

I know I'm a selfish person, but it's the one thing I hate most about myself. I really want to change. I'm not strictly sure I _can, _but it's incredibly self-centered to turn my back on every person I've ever loved, everyone who's ever believed in me, and just _die… _

I shudder and sob again, a fat tear tracking down my face. Edward touches his cool finger to my face, and I shudder again. I love him, I'm going to miss him, I need him, I need him…

The pain's back, shattering through me, and I don't know how I can survive it, when I brought it onto myself.

"I can't do this. I thought I could, and more than anything else I wanted… I want to… but it isn't fair. I love you. Trust me, Edward, I love you." I take his hand gently, peeling it off my face. "But it isn't enough… You're enough. You're _too _good for me, _too _perfect. And you deserve more than half my heart. I hope you won't hate me. I hope you won't hurt. I'm not going to ask you for anything more, no promises, but I'd like to think of you happy. Making someone else happy." I smile at him, half a smile, and he smiles back.

"Would you prefer if we left town?"

"I… I… I can't… Edward, I'm not going to make you leave. I'm not going to ask you for anything more than what you've already given me. What I'm going to do is leave now, and I'm truly sorry for that. I wish this didn't have to… I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

I grab him suddenly, throw my arms around his neck, press my lips against his. He catches me with gentle iron arms, tries to pry me back, but I ignore the reprimand. I shove my chest against his, lock my hands in place, throw myself at him. With everything in me, I beg him to fight. Fight for me to stay, fight for me to chose him. I'm not that certain. If he'd only prove that he'd need me… maybe Edward's perfect, beloved heart is worth more than all my good reasons. He, after all, is more important to me than the world. If he's willing to fight for me, I can't do this. And so I beg him to try. For me. Just once. If I were worth it…

He turns to stone under my touch. And that's when I know I've made the right decision.

I pull away from him, stand. "Good-bye, Edward."

And he lets me go.

**review**!


	10. Chapter 10

**review.**

"Billy?" I ask softly, as he opens the door.

His eyes are far from friendly. "Hello, Bella."

"Billy, is Jake here?"

"Upstairs. But he's sleeping," he says curtly, and moves to close the door.

With a daring I didn't know I had, I catch the door on its knob and step inside. "I think this is worth waking him up for."

He takes a long, hard look at me. Like he's about to protest that I have no _idea _what's good for Jake, haven't I proved that, haven't I hurt him so much too much… and then he sees it in my eyes.

The pain, and the choice.

"Go on up, Bella," he says. There's a soft respect in his voice. I go, quickly mounting the stairs. I open the familiar door.

Jacob's sprawled out on the bed. He isn't sleeping, isn't even visibly injured anymore, but he looks like he's in agony. His face is neither crumpled nor twisted, but completely, perfectly smooth. His eyes, his happy, warm eyes, are dark, empty, matte black.

"Jake?" I whisper hesitantly.

God, _what have I done?_

He sits bolt upright instantly. His head almost hits the ceiling. "Bells? How long have you been there?"

"A couple seconds." He laughs. How can he laugh at a time like this? How can he still wear that smile, _my _smile, when he's in so much pain? It's obvious that he's suffering every bit as much as I did when Edward left me, as much as I'll be hurting now as soon as I let the pain hit, but he just keeps that grin on his face.

"How's everything going, Bells?"

"Well, that's sort of why I'm here." I walk over to his bed and sit on the edge of it. It's a king-sized bed, to fit Jake on it, and nearly as big as the room. It only takes half a step to get there and my legs practically dangle out the door.

"You want to talk to me?" Hope flits across his face. Jacob's always been easy to read. I watch him squelch it and wince to think that I've taken his hope away from Jake, along with everyone else.

"Yeah. About… Jake, I'm so sorry!" I exclaim, and the tears start. I'm crying, suddenly, sobbing, choking as water runs down my face. I dab helplessly at it with my shirt, until suddenly there's a strong, soft hand running beneath my eyes. The heat of Jacob's finger practically evaporates the tears.

"Don't cry, honey. I don't want you to cry." He sits up, grabs me, and pulls me against the bare skin of his chest in one fluid motion. "I don't care what this costs me, Bells. If you're happy…" he takes a deep breath. "I'll make it through. Just be happy."

"No! Jake, I… why do you think I'm here?"

"You probably wanted to say goodbye. Y'know, give me the final verdict. 'Sucks to be you, Jake, but I just can't wait to be the new Mrs. Cullen!'… Sorry, Bells. That was mean. I… I… is it what you want?"

"No. No, no! That's not why I'm here. To _rub it in your face?_" I laugh. "You probably believe I'm that cruel. No." Deliberately, I lean forward and kiss his shoulder like I should have so long ago. "Jake, I'm here because… I thought about it, like you said. I thought and… and you're right."

review!


End file.
